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This reflection comes from Tina Bauer, who brings her lived experience in foster care and adoption into her writing and advocacy. Tina’s insight offers a deeply personal look at why the holidays can stir big emotions for kids — and how caregivers can create safety and steadiness in the midst of it.

Understanding Why the Holidays Feel Overwhelming

If you’re anything like me, you’re probably easily overwhelmed by the holidays—and you’re probably also a grown adult. Anyone past the age of 25 has a fully developed frontal cortex. That’s the part of the brain that helps regulate emotions.

If you haven’t experienced significant trauma as a kid, your prefrontal cortex is probably pretty healthy. However, if you have experienced significant trauma early in life, that area of your brain has likely been impacted—and sometimes it’s even smaller than average.

Now, let’s move on from the science talk, because you’re probably wondering, what’s the point of all this?

If you’re in the world of foster care, foster care adoption, or adoption in general, you already know that trauma affects the body—but especially the brain. Bessel van der Kolk famously said that trauma in the early years is more impactful than trauma after the age of eight. That’s not to say it’s more important—it’s just that before age eight, a child’s brain is growing rapidly and is easily impressionable. If you’ve ever met a kid, you know this.

Without a basic foundation of healthy and safe brain development, kids who experience trauma often develop a smaller prefrontal cortex. That affects their ability to regulate emotions, manage impulses, pick up on social cues, and so much more.

How Trauma Shows Up During the Holidays

It’s no secret that the holidays can be a stressful time. Maybe your extremely extroverted friend loves this season and can’t get enough, but most of us need a break (even as adults). So it shouldn’t surprise us if our kids, especially those who have experienced trauma through foster care or adoption, need a break too.

The thing is, our kids won’t usually tell us they need a break. Instead, they’ll show us through behavior… regressing, having emotional outbursts, or completely shutting down. It looks different for every kid. But as you probably already know, behavior is communication.

And as I’ve been reminding myself this week with my own children… “Don’t take this personally.” I want to remind you of that too: don’t take it personally.

As the adult in their life, you represent an important role: the parent. If your child has trauma connected to their first mother or father, you may end up being the automatic recipient of those big, hard emotions. Not because you did anything wrong, but because of your role in their life.

Practical Ways to Support Your Child

So what can you do? You know your kid best, so take this list with a grain of salt and adjust it for your child’s specific needs. Every kid is different, but here are a few things that might help:

1. Prioritize sleep.

Around Thanksgiving, there are so many changes to our normal schedules, and that can be really overwhelming for kids who depend on routine (like school days). A body that’s getting enough rest is better able to handle the chaos of holiday festivities. You’re not a bad parent for leaving an event early if it means protecting your child’s sleep.

2. Expect the worst.

I’m a sucker for cynicism; however, in this case, it can actually help lift some weight off your shoulders. Release the expectation of a picture-perfect Thanksgiving and go into the weekend with open hands. Whether it’s unexpected trauma triggers or trauma anniversaries, if you expect some hard moments, you might just be pleasantly surprised by the sweet ones.

3. Go easy on the “Thankful for” activities.

Before you come for me in the comments, hear me out. Kids in foster care or who have been adopted often experience an expectation of gratitude. It can sound like, “Aren’t you so thankful you were adopted?” or “Aren’t you glad your mom gave you up?” And yes, people have actually said those things to me as an adoptee.

Unfortunately, our culture still tends to view adoption as this rainbows-and-butterflies story that leads to a happily ever after. While that may be true for some, it’s not everyone’s reality. I’m not saying to toss out your Thanksgiving “thankful” traditions altogether… just be mindful not to force gratitude.

Instead, model it. Show your kids that gratitude doesn’t have to be big or emotional. You can say things like, “I’m thankful for this beautiful weather,” or “I’m thankful for my cozy blanket.” These small examples teach kids that thankfulness doesn’t always have to be deep—it can be simple and safe, too.

4. Have safe foods.

Thanksgiving foods look different from family to family. Your version of Thanksgiving might be completely unfamiliar to a child who’s newer to your home and has different food memories from their first family. Consider asking what foods they’d like to see on the table or make one of their favorites to include. If you’re celebrating with extended family, bring it along so they have something familiar to eat.

5. Keep cultural implications in mind.

For kids with Indigenous roots, Thanksgiving can carry a different meaning. Some may have grown up learning a different version of the story, such as one that focuses on mourning and loss rather than celebration. Indigenous former foster youth Jessica Smith partnered with Laura from “Foster Parenting” to share this advice: “Approach Thanksgiving thoughtfully, offering alternatives and culturally informed decisions.” It’s worth checking out their resource for more tips.

6. Create a safe word.

Sometimes kids don’t know how to communicate that they need a break. Establishing a safe word or phrase gives them a simple way to say, “I need space.” It can help prevent meltdowns and make them feel more in control of their emotions.

A Final Word of Encouragement

The holidays can be overwhelming, especially for our kids. A little planning, flexibility, and empathy (for them and for yourself) can make a huge difference.

When I was a kid, I struggled a lot with feeling depressed around the holidays as we gathered with family. It felt like a constant reminder of what was missing in my life. Sometimes I would hide in my room or just not talk. Sometimes, a focus on family can feel really lonely to adoptees or kids in foster care. Keeping this in mind will make all the difference as you navigate this Thanksgiving with your kids.